Published July 23, 2007
When we were together i felt like i was a princess.
But then all that changed and i felt like a servent.
You where my night and shinning armour,
and i was you're princess.
When you cheated on me i was so hurt,
that i would never get you back.
But then you came along and i did not know what to do.
I wanted to take you back,
but i was confused,
that if i did take you back you would use me again.
You said that you had changed you're personality,
but who knows!
No guy can just change in less than a month.
It takes forever,
and i knew that for my on experiance.
I tried to change someone,
but it never worked he just got worse.
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Once again, you rely on italics to draw the reader's eye. Bad, worse, and worst. Your grasp on the English language seems... shaky at best, especially given the line "You where my night and shinning armor," which should have been, "You were my knight in shining armor." Your language, when it is comprehensible, is far too colloquial (slang-ish) to make for good poetry, and your structure is simply abysmal.
Here's my advice for you. Put down your pen (or turn off your computer, however it is you prefer to write), open a book, read poetry. Don't just read it, either. Study it. Study how the poets use their words, how they use punctuation, and how they express their themes.
My recommendations for a few poets to start with: Ralph Waldo Emerson, Archibald MacLeish, and Langston Hughes.
As always, feel free to PM me.
Better luck next time.
First, here are some changes I would make that relate to grammar, spelling and structure -
When we were together, I felt like I was a princess.
[s]But[/s] Then all that changed and I felt like a servent.
You [s]where[/s] were my knight [s]and[/s] in shinning armour, [To be honest, this is such a cliche beginning that I'd restart...]
and I was [s]you're[/s] your princess.[The repitition here doesn't work.]
When you cheated on me, I was so [s]hurt[/s] afraid, [I'd remove this comma.]
that I would never get you back.
But then you came along and I did not know what to do.
I wanted to take you back,
but I was confused,
that if I did take you back you would use me again.
You said that you had changed [s]you're[/s] your personality,
but who knows!
No [s]guy[/s] one can [s]just[/s] change in less than a month.
It takes forever,
and I [s]knew[/s] know that [s]for[/s] from my [s]on[/s] own experience.
I tried to change someone,
but it [s]never worked[/s] didn't work. He just got worse.
______________________
If you don't want to scrap this poem, consider those changes and try to add more imagery, show the emotions involved and improve your word choice. If you make any changes and want me to take another look, feel free to pm me and I'll give some more suggestions. Sorry if this all sounds rather negative,
Heather xx